Plot outline - feedback appreciated

[Corva]

I have a story concept that I've fleshed out somewhat. I'd appreciate feedback about it. Possibly a NaNoWriMoNo for this year. Cookies for anyone who figures out where I'm drawing the characters names from.

...


Cities and villages and forests connected by rail and water. Most pass through them in moments, without ever setting foot inside, but for a very few people, they are as real as everything else. They didn't used to be so few, but the people of England turned their backs and forgot how to access these spaces. Now it lies desolate, uninhabited, it's tracks and locomotives rusting and the roofs caving in.

But not forever.

------------------------------

Child finds city in woods, explores
Comes across Cathedral (?) and meets hermit (?)
Asked to bring others
Tries to bring friend, friend cannot see, freaks out when child disappears
Finds others, given mission and weapons (“I would not place this burden upon you if there we another way...”) and instructions
Evil stalks land, must find way to defeat
Embark on mission to find the source
Churches are sanctuaries, guarded by grims
Wraiths and hags and witches oh my?
Do not give into despair!
Defeat evil and awaken the sleepers
The king is the one who can put a sword into the (key)stone and thus gain power over the land
The land chooses who and what it allows in – low level telepathy
Alice wanders off, attacked by wraiths. Peter strikes with sword and finds that it repairs itself as it deals damage.
Start off walking, find boat at some point so they use the canal.
In the central garden, there is calm and peace. It is the eye of the storm.
Grim joins them on their quest.
After placing the sword in the keystone, it is time for Peter's coronation.
Wander around the castle and find their rooms, with their coronation clothes laid out ready for them after 70+ years.
Found after two weeks, away from where they went missing and dressed fancy like.
Linked by paths, cannot access from normal world, only zones
Paths are straight and flat, despite difference between zones
Keep to the paths!
People do not build over zones, it is a most unnatural feeling

Adam. 12 years old. First to find the city.
Alice. 10 years old. Follows a raven into the city.
Peter. 15 years old. Finds his way in when looking for his sister Alice.
Violet. 13 years old. Playing with a drone, which crashes.

C1, or standalone?
Adam (?), a child (12 years?), exploring one day in the woods.
Sees something he's never seen before - a city, right in the midst of the trees.
Enters it, looks around. It's deserted, and starting to fall apart.
Enters the church at the centre of the city, encounters hermit
Hermit (Merlin?) explains some of the history
Was once populated, till Despair entered the hearts of the people
People forgot how to access it, forgot it existed, pass right through instead.
Go, quick, and bring others and teach them to see?

C2
Adam tries to bring others, but they cannot see
He disappears, but his friend still cannot believe, freaks out
Reappears, friend is still blind
Must find others
Others find him.
Alice follows a raven, her brother finds it whilst looking for her
Violet flies her drone in. It falls from the sky, since the land has rejected it.

C3
Meeting with the hermit
One given sword (Peter?), sword is rusty and blunt (unknown to him, it will be restored as he slays wraiths)
The only way in – or out - is through
Churches are sanctuaries
Follow the tracks – here is map
Once committed, it's a closed circle
Alice cheerfully commits, forcing her brother to
Adam accepts the quest
Violet refuses to give up the opportunity to see the place, so she accepts

C4

Set off down the path, canal to the right, railway to the left
Peter is most displeased with his sister, Violet is inspecting the railway
…
Alice decides to investigate path off path, attacked by Wraiths
Screams, Peter rushes in with sword
Wraiths dissolve on contact, sword becomes shinier
…
Violet gets boat working again
…
Enter forest zone, former village
Attacked by wolves, rescued by Grims
Hide in Church until daybreak
…

End_c
Make their way into the city
Thick with despair and wraiths
Fight their way through
Reliant upon all skills?
Guided by some animal?
Find the garden – peace in the centre of the storm
Peter inserts sword into the keystone
Day breaks over the capital
“Step forward, King Peter”
Go to their rooms – it is coronation time
Merlin crowns Peter

Epilogue
Parents find their way into the woods now that they can see?
Merlin explains they are not there
They leave the city and are found walking around in their fancy clothes
In a village in the middle of England

Post-epilogue
“It was evening and it was morning, a new day.”
People awaken throughout England, find places that weren't there before

[Falconer]

Reminds me of Narnia and King Arthur, which makes sense.

My suggestion would be to drop one of the children characters and replace them with an adult denizen of this Otherworld; either one bound in service (Serious demeanor), volunteering (noble soul), or just along to see what happens (trickster nature). They can act both as a source of information for the readers and as the reason that anything particularly LARGE doesn't just wade through the protagonists with ease. Child characters in fantasy, particularly ones in the age ranges you have, are usually depicted as avoiding direct fights for a reason: your average 12 yr old doesn't have a lot of weight to put behind anything. An older and bigger ally can act as the "muscle", allowing the children to fight with cleverness, trickery, etc.

Also, I would try to guess the name origins, but I think we pretty solidly established that the cookies here are all poisoned.

[Corva]

Okay, no cookies then. A couple of the names are pretty obvious.

Aside from Merlin, there aren't any adults in Logres.. They left in the middle of the 20th century, after the miserable first half drove everyone to despair. It was already in decline after losing a great many of it's young men who volunteered in WWI, and those who survived seeing the horrors of industrialized warfare.

Technologically, it's early-mid 20th century, with some technologies from that time disabled by the semi-sentient world-mind.

I'm not really imagining there being any particularly large enemies to fight. Wolves, wraiths... anything big will be facing this guy they pick up from one of the churches.