Some more honest opinions needed. This story is going to be my first novel. It flows better then any other story I have ever tiried to write. The title is Eagleheart.
Some hints before you actually read it. You might not be able to tell what my main character looks like, so I'll describe him here. If you've seen the movie Quest for Camolat, he sort of looks like the bad dude's pet griphon, only less evil. I only have 10 pages finished, but that's the most story Iv'e ever writtin.
I think this is going to be a really good story when I'm finished. So please, give me all the tips you can.
I first got the idea from a song by a Group called Stratovarious. The song is titled Eagleheart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WMXR0naodk&feature=related So listen to that song.
Anyways, here it is.
Chapter 1:flight
A pure joy unlike any other filled Eagleheart as he swooped and dived and soared over the valley he called home. Below him was an entrancing emerald everglade forest, echoing with the sound of the wildlife that inhabited it. A ring of mountains surrounded this valley, their snow capped peaks contrasting sharply with the rest of the landscape. To the south was a roaring waterfall throwing up a cloud of mist. At the bottom of the waterfall was a lush, tropical lagoon. From the waterfall a river wound lazily around the forest. To the north there was a canyon in the mountain ring. The canyon was Eagleheart’s home. The home of the Griffiths. He had been born there, raised there, and had learned to fly there. Tucking in his wings and rolling over, Eagleheart dived inverted towards the ground at near suicidal speed,. The warm summer air rushed past him. He closed his eyes, savoring the adrenaline. The ground rushed to meet him. Just as he was about to hit his wings snapped open. He pulled out of the dive, mere inches from the ground. He shot through the forest, trees whipping past him. Everything was a blur. He dodged left and right, heart racing, every nerve in his body vibrantly alive. Soon He reached a clearing next to the river Flaring his wings, he braked hard. There was a moment of intense strain on his wings, then he stopped almost immediately, dropping smoothly to the ground.
Heart still pounding with adrenaline, He galloped to the riverbank, every bit as graceful on land as he was in the air. He was a glorious thing to behold. His body was streaked with pretty hazel fur. His wings were lined with golden brown feathers that shone with the brilliance of the sun. He was no eagle, he was something much more magnificent
He was a Griffith, somewhat like a griffin but without the head of a lion. He had a dragonish head but had tufts of hair above his eyes instead of ridges, and long, elfish ears instead of horns. The ends of his ears curved up slightly. At the end of his muzzle his nostrils were raised , making his snout look beaklike. His eyes were a fiery golden color, shining with bright intelligence and mirth. His neck was not extremely long, but not short either. His body was lean and rippled with hard muscle. The fur covering his body was thick and looked coarse and rough, but was in fact extremely soft and smooth, like a newborn mountain lion. His front and back legs were muscular and lean. He had a long, black, thin tail that ended with a spade shape. His claws, which acted more like talons, ended with nails four inches long and curved to a deadly point. He was five feet tall, about the size of a grisly bear. He had a thirty foot wingspan with wing 12 feet wide. He was a breathtakingly beautiful creature.
Eagleheart, now panting heavily, had stopped near the riverbank. He was in the middle of a forest clearing. The trees rustled their leaves gently. The clearing was surrounded by ancient oaks, the tallest ones reaching one hundred feet into the air. It was shady and cool. The river flowed gently, making a gurgling sound. Eagleheart walked to the riverbank and drank the crystal clear water. The water was cool and refreshing. Having drank his fill of water, his sharp eyes now watched the water intently. A shimmer appeared in the water. Quick as a flash, Eagleheart had the fish in his talons. He quickly broke it’s spine so it would not get away from him. Trotting lazily back to the edge of the forest with his prize in his jaws, he lied down next to one of the oaks. He wasn’t worried about being attacked by anything, he didn’t need to be. The Griffiths were known to be great healers, and they were known to help anyone who needed help. No one would attack Eagleheart while he ate. The fish was a walleye, Eagleheart’s favorite. He rolled his eyes in ecstasy. Freshwater fish always tasted better when you ate them right after they had been caught. After eating the fish He rested his head on his forelegs, purring softly, eyelids becoming heavy. My life couldn’t be better, He thought to himself. He slowly drifted off into sleep, dreaming of majestic forests and dazzling crystal caves.
Eagleheart was abruptly awaken by a shrill cry. His ears flicked up. He identified the call as his mother’s. She was calling him back to their nest. He rose sleepily to his feet, eyes blinking. He backed away from the river a ways. Taking a deep breath he ran full speed and leaped into the air. He wings snapped open and he beat them powerfully. A few strokes carried him high into the air. His heart filled with the joy and wonder of flight. He breathed deeply, almost meditating. He felt more at home in the sky then he did anywhere else. He soared straight up, climbing higher and higher. When it seemed Eagleheart could go no higher he did an inverted roll and dived straight down.
He leveled off just ten feet from the treetops, going a hundred miles an hour. He became lost in the speed. He was one of the fastest fliers in the flock. He arrived at home canyon some four minutes later, shaking with excitement. His mother was waiting for him on the ledge that led to the caves he called home.â€Okay, speed demon, you’ve had your fun. Now come inside, the day grows late,†She said warmly. Eagleheart landed smooth as silk on the cliff. His mother nuzzled him gently.â€Ok,†He replied. They walked together along the path that led to the cave that was theirs. It wasn’t a very big cave, It only went about thirty-five feet into the canyon. It was enough to shelter the nest from the elements, though. They reached the cave in about ten minutes. Eagleheart walked in first. Suddenly he was struck on the side and sent sprawling. It was, of coarse, Eagleheart’s brother, Sylvan. Sylvan and Eagleheart wrestled with each other for a time, but Eagleheart was more exhausted then Sylvan was, so he lost. Sylvan had him pinned down with one foreleg, was holding his jaws shut with the other, and was holding his legs together with his tail. Eagleheart struggled but Sylvan had him beat. Eventually he stopped struggling and Sylvan released him.
â€I win again. Someone needs to teach you to fight, Eagleheart, “He said mockingly. Eagleheart growled but said nothing.â€Alright you two, break it up,†Their mother said, rolling her eyes. “One of these days Sylvan, I am going to teach you a lesson you will not soon forget,†Eagleheart said in his best menacing voice.â€Ya, sure you will, “Sylvan teased.†I said break it up. Honestly, you two could argue and bicker and fight all day long if I didn’t stop you,†their Mother warned again, sounding exasperated.
They both stopped at once. Their mother might act sweet. She even looked sweet. She was an albino Griffith, so she was completely white. White as snow. Every Griffith in the flock thought she was gorgeous. Even her two sons. But she could be as fierce as a wolverine at times, and Eagleheart and Sylvan knew not to cross her.
“Aw mom, you know it’s just horseplay,†Sylvan said. “I know, young one,†She said softly, holding her son close to her with one wing. Eagleheart said nothing. His mother noticed and put her other wing around him too, licking him softly on the cheek. “Someday you’ll know how to fight, Eagleheart. It’s in your blood. Your father was the bravest warrior I ever knew,†She said, trying to make Eagleheart feel better. “I know I will,†Eagleheart said in a soft, almost whispering voice. “So cheer up, ok?†His mother said, rubbing him gently with one wingtip.
Eagleheart’s father had been a mighty warrior. He had also been a seer, and one day he had a vision that told him to journey to a far off world. He had obeyed this vision and gone. He had left when Eagleheart was still a cub, so Eagleheart couldn’t remember that much about him. All Eagleheart had to remember him by was a single feather. Griffiths often gave loved ones and friends feathers to remember them by, it was the custom. It meant “I’m leaving but soon I’ll returnâ€. But Eagleheart’s father never came back. Eagleheart missed him a lot, and so did his brother. Most of all his mother.
Eagleheart’s mother was the kindest and most gentle of the whole flock. She was also the most beautiful. Her name was Naomi. In the Griffith language “Naomi†meant “White Crystalâ€. This name was very fitting; Naomi was an albino. She was white as snow. Her feathers were smooth as water. She had warm, unearthly voice. Eagleheart loved her more then anything else in his life. He felt like he had an angel for a mother. The very thought of her filled him with joy. He nestled next to her, feeling her soft fur, listening to the beat of her heart. A deep purring rose from his chest. Naomi smiled. She knew how much her children loved her. She knew because that’s how much she loved them.
“The day is over Eagleheart, let’s go to sleep now,†Naomi said, releasing Eagleheart and Sylvan from her embrace. Following her to the back of the cave, they soon reached the nest. Griffith nests were the most elaborate in the animal kingdom. They were constructed from the branches of saplings. The main structure was bowl shaped with thick branches sticking out of the sides to prevent it from tipping over A dome was built over this using the trunks of the saplings, then vines would be wrapped around the structure until it resembled a kind of web. Moss could then be tied to the branches and vines until they covered the entire dome. Palm leaves were usually layered on top of the moss in and overlapping pattern to make it look better. The inside of the dome was usually layered with bark. The floor of the nest was covered with many layers of moss until the floor of the nest was nicely cushioned. Bark would then be placed on top of the rim of the nest then secured down. The next step would be to take a rough stone and smooth the top of the bark flat so items could be placed on top. The last step would be to take palm leaves and secure them over the entrance. They took a good month to make, and lasted a long time.
Naomi climbed in first, then Sylvan, then Eagleheart, who was still a little bitter from having lost the fight to Sylvan. It seemed to Eagleheart that Sylvan had inherited father’s prowess in battle, and he himself had inherited his sight. Sylvan had gotten the better deal. The Sight was not a nice thing to have at all. Most of what it showed was either good and not really true, or bad and horribly true. The sight was also very draining physically, and more often then not the Griffith having the vision brought on by the Sight would pass out after it ended. On a few rare occasions Griffiths had slipped into comas, but that was unlikely to happen to him.
Eagleheart had himself had his own visions on a number of different occasions. They were not at all pleasant; they were far too real. Sometimes it was hard to tell what was vision, and what was realty. His last vision had been four years ago, and thought he might not have another. He remembered little of it, but he did remember being extremely tired. And it had been horrible, hadn’t it? Yes, it had. A nightmare that had felt all too real. Eagleheart wished he didn’t have it.
Eagleheart yawned as he curled up next to his mother. “Sleepy, huh?†Naomi asked him. “Not really,†He said in-between yawns. “Come now, don’t be silly. You can play in the forest again tomorrow, I promise,†Naomi said reassuringly. “Ok,â€he said, already dozing off. “Goodnight, Eagleheart,†Naomi said warmly. “Goodnight mom,â€Eagleheart murmured, falling asleep. Naomi waited until her two children were asleep, then went to sleep herself. What Eagleheart really needs, She thought, is his father. I know how he feels. I miss him too. Then sleep claimed her as well.
Chapter 2: The next day
Eagleheart opened his eyes. Bright, morning light shone through the palm leaves covering the entrance of the nest. His mother and brother were already awake, they weren’t in the nest with him. Looking out for his obnoxious brother, he warily climbed out of the nest. “Finally up, eh?â€Sylvan said, lying on the floor pretending to have been waiting patiently for him to awaken. “Ya, what’s the rush,†Eagleheart shot back. “Come on, boys, it’s far too early in the morning for that,†Naomi, their mother, said, trying not to laugh. Sometimes she didn’t know if they were actually fighting or just playing. Sometimes she wished she had a daughter she could understand.
Eagleheart and sylvan ran outside the cave , racing each other up the path to the cliff. Eagleheart got there first. Sylvan might win every fight, but Eagleheart was the speed demon. Eagleheart was, in fact, the fastest Griffith in the flock. Eagleheart leaped of the cliff, Sylvan following. Eagleheart let himself fal. “Oh no, I forgot how to fly,†Eagleheart cried in mock distress. “Oh, nice try, that’s the oldest one there is,†Sylvan said. Eagleheart laughed. And started to flap his wings. He stopped falling and immediately started to fly.
“Let’s fly to the waterfall,†Sylvan suggested. “Alright,†Eagleheart cried enthusiastically. Eagleheart loved the lagoon by the waterfall. There were fish there that were so lazy you could pick them up and take a bite out of them and they still wouldn’t care that much. The water was also the best tasting water in the whole valley. It sure beat river water. “ Wait up, Eagleheart,†Sylvan cried. “Not likely, Sylvan,†Eagleheart shouted back, and started to fly as fast as he could. He got there 5 minutes ahead of Sylvan. He landed on an island in the middle of the lagoon. Crickets chirped noisily in the thicket. The mockingbirds sang their sweet melodies. Fish as big as badgers swam lazily amongst the weeds, their scales glistening. And dominating all was the powerful roar of the waterfall, and the mist that it created surrounded everything. The air was damp and humid. Plants grew wildly, turning the area into a small jungle. It was peaceful and menacing at the same time.
Eagleheart landed heavily on the ground. Usually his landings were much smoother, but he was out of breath. He stood panting for a couple of seconds with his head inbetween his forelegs. Then, sufficiently recovered, he waited for Sylvan. Sylvan got there a minute later. “I told you to wait up, Eagleheart. Why didn’t you?†Sylvan scolded. “Your too slow, that’s why,†Eagleheart said without sounding scornful. Sylvan sighed. “You know what Eagleheart? Sometimes it’s better to go slow. No point in rushing through life, is there?†He asked. Eagleheart thought about that. “I guess your right, Sylvan. I won’t go ahead next time, I promise,†He said. “ Thanks,†Sylvan said. “No problem. You’re my brother, and brothers stick together, no matter what,†Eagleheart said, as much to himself as to Sylvan. The promise he had just made would be a hard one to keep. He loved flying fast. But maybe Sylvan was right. He had never actually tried slowing down and just enjoying flying.
“Right,†Sylvan answered. They both slapped the their wings together, a common Griffith gesture of friendship. “Let’s go catch some of those fish, I’m starving,â€Sylvan exclaimed. “My thoughts exactly,†Eagleheart agreed. He too was hungry. He hadn’t had anything to eat since the Walleye he had caught yesterday. The fish in the lagoon were large mouth bass, not as good but easier to catch and much bigger. Eagleheart had seen bass the size of mountain lions, but those were rare and harder to catch. A nice average-sized one would do nicely. Eagleheart and Sylvan walked over to the water’s edge. They were both silent, watching the water with the cold focus of born killers. It was Sylvan who saw a glint first. His right foreleg became a blur and then he had a bass struggling in his talons. Pinning it to the ground, he broke the fish’s spine so it wouldn’t suffer.
Eagleheart caught his own a minute later. Sylvan waited for him and when he saw that he had caught his own fish, he began to eat his. They both finished their fish quite quickly, they were both very hungry. Then, bellies full and heads sleepy, they flew the short flight from the lagoon to a forest clearing nearby. By the time they got there they were both so sleepy they could barely keep their eyes open. The both curled up under the shadiest spots and rested. Sylvan fell asleep first, dreaming of lagoons and fish and adventure.
Eagleheart’s dreams were not quite as pheasant as Sylvan’s. He was standing in front of a building of some sort. He had never seen anything quite like it. It was huge. It was shaped like a rectangle with other rectangles coming out of it. The building was grey with black, shiny squares on some parts of the walls. Surrounding the building was what appeared to be a web of shiney thorns. The web itself was a criss- crossing pattern like that of a turtle’s shell and on top og the web there were more shiny thorns in a corkscrewing pattern. The place made Eagleheart’s fur stand on end. “Scary, isn’t it.,†A voice said next to him said. He jumped and quickly spun around, prepared to fight off whoever it was. He was surprised to find that the owner of the voice was a raven. The raven was perched on a dead-looking elm tree. Eagleheart now looked around. They were in the middle of a barren wasteland devoid of any sort of plants. There were no hills or mountains that Eagleheart could see. The landscape stretched endlessly in all directions. Eagleheart, who had spent his entire life surrounded by mountains and canyons and towering oak trees, now felt exposed and vulnerable. This made him all the more afraid. “What is th..this pl..ace,â€He stammered, close to panic.
“Don’t be afraid, young one. Nothing here can hurt you right now. This is only a dream, remember,†the raven said, chuckling softly. This made Eagleheart’s fear lesson a little. “But what is this awful place?†He asked the raven again. The raven shook it’s head. “No time right now. I will explain everything to you another time. It will be easier,†The raven answered. This got Eagleheart scared again. “When,†He asked fearfully. “Can’t say for sure,†The raven replied, “I would have made it today, but your not ready. I’ll tell you another time.†“But why! Why me!†Eagleheart yelled. The raven regarded him with it’s black eyes, then said, “Because your father couldn’t seem to get the job done, that’s why. He was strong, but you may be stronger.†Eagleheart was stunned into silence. His father had left a long time ago. Could he really still be alive? “Is he still...â€Eagleheart said, not quite able to say it. “I don’t know, young one, I don’t know,†The raven said, shaking it’s head. Then everything began to fade. “Wait!,\†Eagleheart cried, “ What about my father!†“ All will be known to you in time,†the raven said, his voice sounding distant. Then everything faded and Eagleheart woke up.
He was sweating. At first he stared at his surroundings blankly, then remembered where he was. He looked around for Sylvan. He was still beside Eagleheart, sleeping peacefully. Eagleheart stroked him with one wingtip. Sylvan awoke and looked up at him sleepily. “How long have I...†He began to say. “Not long at all,†Eagleheart replied. Sylvan yawned and then got up. “You will not believe the dream I just had, Eagleheart. I..â€He began to say. “Please don’t talk to me about dreams right no, Sylvan,â€Eagleheart said. At first Sylvan seemed puzzled. Then he nodded his head in agreement. “Do you want to go home now? I don’t mind,†He asked Eagleheart. “No, I’m fine. No more napping for me though. Let’s fly around a little. I need a distraction,†Eagleheart replied. Sylvan agreed and they both took to the air.
As soon as they were airborne, Eagleheart’s unease melted away. He scanned the horizon. It was late in the day, and the sunset had just began to show in the sky. “It’s late,†He told Sylvan. “Ya,†Sylvan agreed, “We should start heading back.â€
That's all I got so far. This is going to be a pretty long story.
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